I decided to post an older entry…from last year on Sept 11th. I may go through my journal and pull out a few of the follow-up entries. This is the raw, unedited, free-flowing text from my journal…
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Today I laid in bed for a while feeling depressed. Feeling like there was no meaning in life. Thinking about work, jobs, happiness… Then I came downstairs and fired up my journal. At the same time I tried to get on CNN.com but couldn’t….so I went to MSNBC.com and a horrific image filled the screen. “A Day of Terror” with a picture of the trade center towers on fire. I ran to the TV yelling upstairs that something big had happened. The TV came on and the live video was even more shocking. Shots of New York filled with smoke. One of the towers already fallen, the other on fire. I watched the live video as the 2nd tower crumbled to the ground. I stared in shock, my hands over my mouth and nose, my eyes in a blank wide stare. Beyond words. Beyond feelings. Beyond anything…like a nightmare. Surreal. I can’t even figure out myself how I felt let alone try to describe it. Watching that tower fall. This can’t be happeneing. This can’t be real. This doesn’t happen in the US. Something of this magnitude can’t happen.
Then to watch the following new reports. Seeing earlier video of a hijacked plane ramming the tower. Seeing the entire city of New York covered in smoke and dust. An act of war. How will this event today change my life? I mean, even the external factors. The effect on the economy, business, the loss of resources both people and other. The effect of air travel. Future acts of terrorism.
Now I feel stupid for feeling depressed this morning. My God. People are dying and I’m feeling sorry for myself. People are dying and I’m worried about making more money. People are dying and I’m worried about finding more happiness.
I found myself so angry. Wow, I felt ready to go to war. To kill. To get revenge for this act. Bomb the hell out of those countries. Wipe Iraq off the map. That was my initial feeling. Then I felt intense sadness. Tears for the anger and violence in the world. Why? Why is there so much hatred? Why do people do this? Why do we fight and kill each other? Why? Can’t we resolve this. Can’t we stop the killing and say…hey world, lets work this out. We bomb the hell out of places and it comes back to us. The more we bomb, the more it comes back to us. This can’t be the only way to resolve these issues.
I’m shocked. I’m in a strange place. There is a part of this I hate to look at. The part of it that I like in a twisted and strange way. I mean, I was thinking a while ago I wanted something “exciting” to happen. Something to stir up the world a bit. I didn’t really though. I mean, it’s like the action movies we watch. The horror, the war…we like that shit. People like it. Why? There is a part of me that loves to watch the coverage, that is glued to the TV, that soaks in the horror and terror. Why? What is it all about? Even at that, I don’t want it. It’s certainly not worth it for the entertainment, by any means at all. I don’t understand this and why I feel this way. I don’t think I’m alone though either. Maybe it gives people an excuse to feel and express emotion.